What am I hiding?

19-07-2025

Location – Bezau, Austria

View from my room at Hotel Gretina - Bezau, Austria

After an intense but successful week of highly anticipated workshops, meetings, planning and networking fluff, I treated myself with a weekend getaway to venture in alps of Austria and Switzerland. I found this cute cabin-styled hotel on the edge of west Austria, Hotel Gretina - I always try and pick small, isolated towns if I can, it never lets me down. You can almost guarantee English will be little to none, but the hosts were so warm and accompanying. I arrived around 8pm, after a few hours drive from inner Germany. The kitchen seemingly just closed for main meals, but yet they still offered me to dine for dinner and said they could make pizza. The two girls came over to my table and proceeded to mime and translate best they could every pizza on the menu. It was the best way to start my stay - scenic mountains, hearty food, warm people. I sat and ate, reflecting on my week and who surreal it was, little me would be proud.

Prompt of the day – What about yourself do you hide from others? (Evening Ponders Deck)

I’ve always hidden a lot, but I don’t think I’ve realised it until recently. I always just thought I was born the shy kid, the introverted one, the guy who keeps to himself and likes it that way. It’s true - it feels comfortable, but it has never felt ‘right’.

When I was young, I had lots of interests and weird hobbies, I got grounded a lot, and had a lot of time having to entertain myself. I think this is the basis to why I hide things and keep things to myself. I would spend whole days drawings, teaching myself and experimenting with very little feedback or interaction. Occasionally, when I was satisfied enough, I would muster up the energy to share what I’d created or learned. Usually the feedback would be good, but it was always short - a few simple words of niceties and then caveated with suggestions and critiques that outweighed the praise. This wasn’t done with ill-intent, it was never harsh or demeaning, but as a kid, the balance of praise and critique was always something I took personally.

I know not everything has to come back to childhood, but this pattern is something that is still very clear in my everyday life, with everything that I pursue - hobbies, work, creative endeavours. I work on these in private, usually leading to isolation in long stints, I critique and reiterate over and over before I let it be visible. I don’t let people see the unpolished, rough, stupid sides of me where I’m ignorant and uninformed where I’m trying to figure things out. I’m learning this is a very self-centred, short-sighted approach.

I love learning things, playing with ideas, making ideas come to life – when I’m in the element of it, it’s where I get the greatest enjoyment out of life. But what happens when you come out of it? What happens when you’ve done it, but you’ve done it alone? Who’s there to enjoy it with? Who’s there to reflect on what you did? It’s just you. It’s a weird feeling - you can achieve everything you set out to do, build things that you’re proud of but when you have no one who’s been in the trenches with you, it feels numb. You’re the one who wipes off the dirt as you get out. You think to yourself that you can’t wait to share it with your friends and family - the experience of it and the outcomes, what’s next – but there’s a disconnect. They only get the highlights in conversation, the trimmed back, polished narrative of what you’ve done with maybe some insight to the troubles. But no matter how well you paint it to them, there is no one who feels it as viscerally as you.

I hide my creative pursuits from friends.

I hide my life from the social media (historically…)

I hide a lot of professional wins or new pursuits from family.

I hide my failures, my uncertainties, my insecurities from everyone.

I wish I could flick a switch and invite everyone in and it be seamless – I think I’ll need to use a dimmer.